“If you hear a voice within you say ‘you cannot paint,’ then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.” — Vincent van Gogh
Many times in life, we have many doors of opportunity open. Unfortunately, we hold ourselves back from entering into the possibility of the unknown.
Whether it is outward behavior, which you can learn about in the previous post 5 Ways to Stop -Self-Sabotage Part 1: Outward Actions, or inward as discussed in this post, once we get more clarity on what we are doing to hold ourselves back, we become empowered.
We become empowered because we are at a point of decision. We get to make a choice. A responsible choice.
Here are 5 Inward Actions we can take to stop self-sabotage:
First
1.) Get clear on what you want – in every area of your life
When we take the time to think about what we want, we have direction.
I like this quote:
“If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” – Benjamin Franklin
Failing seems so doomsday, so I will modify it a bit.
“If you fail to get clear on what you want, life will toss things at you for you to try on. And, you might not like it.” – Brandi Crosby
35 Jobs later, I can tell you that this is true. It has been a wild ride, but I do look back and say, “Wow, that was a lot of work in 35 directions!”
Where in life are you going in multiple directions because you have not gotten clear on what you want?
With that said, I am going to flip this and give this a new meaning. I had to go through those 35 jobs to understand which direction I wanted to go!
This leads me to my next tip in 5 Ways to Stop Self-Sabotage Part 2: Inward Actions:
2.) Get a bigger plate
To me, this means:
“You are more capable than you think you are, have more time than you think you do, you can dream bigger than you think you can dream, and you are gonna have a lot of stuff on your plate and may need to tidy every once in a while!” – Brandi Crosby
Be open to possibility, but don’t just sit there! Start putting things on your plate! Play big or stay home!
Those with bigger plates have more fun!
Which brings me to the next step:
3.) Focus on the joy of play
When you get a bigger plate, more things can go on it and then, you will have some options. You can feel overwhelmed by the new weight of all the things, or you can turn it into a game.
For example, I get to win my game when I wake up at 4:30 am and work on my blog brandicrosby.com and my e-commerce store indigoquinn.com. Then, I get to take my munchkin to school. Then I get to be a teacher, facilitator, and graphic designer for my 8-5. Then, I get to get my munchkin from school and get all the details about her day. Then, I get to serve my church and my family. Then, I get to have a wonderful and sometimes epic bedtime with my kiddo. Then, I get to fall into bed triumphantly exhausted! It’s wonderful.
I took the Gallup Strengths Survey. Included are 34 different strengths and my dead last was, “adaptability.”
This means that I don’t like my food to touch my really big plate! However, I have learned that life is messy. And, that is ok!
My big plate will look more like a Picasso than a Mona Lisa, and I am fine with that. See what I mean?
Take the Gallup Strength’s Survey Here (I do not get a commission from this. I use this in my day-to-day work, connecting and relating to others. It is an awesome tool for providing a common language for people to help communicate and move the needle of progress forward in organizations, and families! Speaking from personal experience.)
I can only do this when I choose to treat it as if I am playing. Playing is fun.
Make a game out of the daily things in your life. Be careful of those blame thoughts that may come up. Having expectations of others can burst your play bubble. Ask for help when you need it, but do it in a non-blaming truthful way as discussed in 5 Ways to Stop Self-Sabotage Part 2: Outward Actions
Take responsibility for the things you want done in your life. This is not to enable others, but to give you back your power. Don’t put your happiness in the hands of others.
Have expectations and standards for those around you, but know that you cannot control others.
I have to add here since this world is a crazy place, please do not allow yourself to be abused by others. If you feel that your life is in danger, please I beg you, get help and get out!
The next point I want to make took me yeeeeeeeeaaaars to learn:
4.) When someone gives you advice, you can pick it up or leave it on the ground. Hint* Pick it up more often when the person giving you the advice is walking the walk and talking the talk
I have gotten a lot of bad advice in my life. Not from crazy people. From family, friends, mentors, teachers, etc. From well-meaning people who loved me and wanted me to learn from the pain they had experienced. They wanted to protect me from the pain.
Sometimes advice slows down our learning.
When my daughter was little, I would tell her to “be careful” at least a zillion times a day. I started noticing as she got older that she questioned herself a lot and was not as physically coordinated as I was when I was her age.
Then, it hit me. I did not allow her to process her experience and learn through those experiences. I was the interrupter in her learning process.
When I stopped saying “be careful” as much (still working on it! lol), it was hard to watch! At 9 years old, she would be more bruised and bloody than I could muster. Even things like going to bed, kicking the doorknob, because she was diving into the bed…. she had to experience. And, wow. I am glad she is learning to make mistakes now.
The more comfortable she gets with trying new things and making mistakes, the more resilient she will be. She will also be able to sift and sort faster to be able to find the things she wants to do in her life. The more she fails and gets back up while she is still in that season of natural playing, the better she will do when she launches into the world as an adult, where failure is a huge piece of the game.
Fail forward. Try new things. Fail. Keep going. Fail Forward.
Think of a baby learning to walk. They fall. Get back up. They try again. they fall. They might cry. They… get back up!
Just keep going!
“Just keep swimming!” – Dory from Finding Nemo
Sometimes advice comes from the insecurity of others.
If you have ever had a family member, boss, friend, teacher, or even a paid mastermind group discourage you from pursuing something important to your heart, stop and ask yourself why they are giving this certain advice.
For example, I had a boss once that told me I was too confident. Not being afraid of public speaking was marking a target on my back for my boss, who after my observation, was very afraid of public speaking. If I had taken that opinion and made myself smaller, this would not have allowed me to share my gifts with the world.
Another example. I got sick in college and was not able to practice my instrument for a long time. Struggling to figure out what I wanted to do to replace that void, I became very passionate about nutrition.
My music teacher told me it was a waste of time to pursue something else. If I did, I would regret it. And, here’s the line that stopped me from taking on that second major…”I would never make it.” In hindsight, I knew what to do, but chose to take the advice of the “master”.
The advice of the master came from a place of lack, not of possibility. I may never know what challenges she faced to advise her students of such a restrictive ultimatum. I decided not to take on that second major. Doors were closed for me since I did not use that time in college to study other things.
I wish I had known about boundaries then, but it is what it is.
What advice have you gotten that took you of course?
Also, where are you giving advice that takes others off course?
Romans 14:13 Therefore let us not pass judgment on one another any longer, but rather decide never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother.
How do you notice if someone has given you advice or opinions that are contrary to the direction you are called to go?
Notice the dissonance in your emotions. By dissonance, I mean the change from being joyful about it to being sad, fearful, or doubtful. Let the advice or opinion sit with you every day for about a month. If you are not able to determine the wisdom in the guidance, leave it on the ground. Stop carrying it. Move on. Keep going in the direction you feel called to go.
For the final piece, I want to bring up something very important.
5.) Take Care of Your Mental Health
There are times when people need help. Unfortunately, for a person to get help, they have to climb Mt. Everest to get it.
I think of a time when I had a weird pain in my back. I got an MRI. I went to a lady doctor, a kidney doctor, and chiropractor, and my regular GP. I got no answers. I got tired of going to the doctor. I gave up. I still have the pain now and then. But since blood tests show I have no life-threatening disease, I just chalk it up to getting older. That is my self-diagnosis.
Don’t try this at home friends! lol
But for real.
Imagine if you were someone dealing with something challenging. And it was emotionally making you unable to function. This happens. I have seen it. I know people that struggle and they have tried everything.
There is wisdom in acknowledging that genetics can play a factor in challenges. There is wisdom in acknowledging what we have practiced (willingly or unwillingly) for so long is now engrained in our neural pathways and our body has adapted to having the problem.
Get help!
Take care of yourself! Be bold, be brave, stand up for yourself. Don’t be crazy. Give yourself grace. Take care of yourself! Lead by example.
To recap:
1.) Get clear on what you want – in every area of your life
2.) Get a bigger plate
3.) Focus on the joy of play
4.) When someone gives you advice, you can pick it up or leave it on the ground. Hint* Pick it up more often when the person giving you the advice is walking the walk and talking the talk
5.) Take Care of Your Mental Health
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