5 Ways to Stop Self – Sabotage Part 1: Outward Actions
“You are far too smart to be the only thing standing in your own way.”
I can only come from my own experience. My experience has been when things do not work out the way I want them, most times, I was the cause.
I am not saying everything bad that happens in my life is caused by me. I am saying the majority of the things I experience in my life that I do not like are because of the choices I made.
Having experienced a large amount of change in a short amount of time, my experience with Klemmer’s Samurai Camp, the final experience in the journey of their experiential learning seminars, I can now see clearly before I make most choices as to what the outcome is going to be.
This is helping me gain traction in all areas of my life.
Here are 5 Ways to Stop Self- Sabotage, Part 1: Outward actions that I am discovered about myself. I am putting these down for you. You can pick them up if you want.
1.) Be Aware that Words Brings Us Towards Happiness or Sadness
Words matter, or like I like to joke around with my boss. Word Smatter.
I grew up speaking my mind. I grew up with the mindset embracing Freudian therapy, meaning I constantly talked about my problems, from the past, present, and imagined future thinking that the more I grumbled and complained, the clearer my head would be.
I learned over the years that this form of being was like being on a hampster wheel of complaints. I was safe and did not have to take risks because I knew where I was. This gave me an illusion of certainty. The problem with this was, that I was going in the opposite direction of where I wanted to go.
What I was sewing were seeds of sadness and I was reaping sadness, plain and simple.
My life was amazing and I was blessed, but this way of thinking had me practicing negativity.
So, the question I have learned to ask myself is, will the words that come out of my mouth move me towards a goal, or away from a goal?
Another way to put it is, will these words that come out of my mouth move me towards happiness or sadness?
If this resonates with you and this is part of your practiced neural pathways, be patient with yourself. It takes a while to learn how to stop complaining. It takes time to build new neural pathways so this becomes second nature to you.
And, ladies, give yourself mercy that time of the month. If you would like advice on understanding those cycles, check out Fasting Like a Girl, by Dr. Mindy Perlz. I saw an entrepreneur once who said she planned her month based on her cycle and I did not understand what she meant until I dove into the work of Dr. Mindy Perlz.
There are times of the month when women need to say no and rest; however, we cannot. The five-day workweek does not line up with our cycles and we must power through. Also, I am not sure how many women out there could say, “Hey, honey I need you to take over with the kids and the house and the bills for a few days so I can get the rest I need”, and get the relief they need. It’s just not practical.
So, women, at least for me, there are times of the month when our words can get us in trouble. We are tired and our self – control disappears from our mouths. This is the weekish right before our cycle. Because we are desperately tired and want to go to the mountain to recharge, but cannot, we struggle to maintain the flourish of energy needed to maintain our pace.
For me, during that specific time of the month, I choose to let there be some no’s. And it looks like dirty dishes, unfolded laundry, and well the house get wrecked in three days without my energy tending to it. The rest of the month is pretty good, but I intentionally take a step back.
Think about what you can say no to. If you have a partner, you may want to give them a heads-up! Have them read the book!
What can you talk about if it is not complaining?
This may not be the answer you want. But, alas it is a good one.
You don’t have to talk.
Unless you have something nice or constructive to say, practice breathing and letting go. Pass it off to God. We do not need to dump on others.
Romans 14:13 So let’s stop condemning each other. Decide instead to live in such a way that you will not cause another to stumble and fall.
Don’t judge each other by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant. – Robert Louis Stevenson
If you think perging to your spouse, coworker, or friends helps you release it, pay more attention. You might think your words are allowing you to “play” with the other person. I think of two girls gossiping about another girl on the playground. It might seem fun, but would you like it if people were gossiping about you? No, so as Bob Neuhart would say: Stop it.
Check out this hilarious video:
You are welcome. Now, you cannot unsee it.
Next:
2.) Surround yourself with a community of people who build you up and hold you accountable
This can be challenging to do because most communities have a variety of standards and values. Keep seeking until you find a community. Know that communities are diverse. Be ok with diverse. And, find your people in that community who will support you and hold you accountable to the standards you say you want to meet.
One of the communities that holds me accountable is my team at work. I work at a corporation in training and development. I love the culture where I work because gossip is at a minimum and people focus on being nice, caring about the opinions of others, and are driven by the same mission and vision. It is a very collaborative environment. And, I have a boss, who will give me good feedback, not just feedback to puff my ego. The feedback that helps me grow.
Another community I wish I would have plugged into sooner was the Leadership and Development Company Klemmer and Associates. Talk about constructive feedback. Wow. Talk about experiences that help you see yourself in ways you’ve never considered. Talk about tools that can help you move toward the direction of happiness. Wow. Talk about the opportunity to be in the community with people who have gone through the work, to cheer for you and hold you accountable. Wow.
I took three of their courses twenty years ago and they were awesome. The problem was I thought I could achieve my dreams on my own. I took the classes as if I was eating a cookie. Once I gobbled the cookie, I decided I had enough energy to run my marathon. I did not realize I would need sustaining.
I am now that I am plugged back in, going through Samurai Camp, signing up to staff Heart of the Samurai, Youth Leadership 1 and Youth Leadership 2, auditing Personal Mastery, and signing up for Klemmer Coaching Academy, I am now running faster and with more joy than I ever thought I could sustain in my experience. I am having the time of my life!
Klemmer provides me a community that continually fortifies me to become the best version of me.
Another community I am plugged into is my church. Y’all churches can be the hardest place as there are so many rules, opinions, and gossip. I am plugged in because I am called to love and lead. I get to practice helping people expand their identity to be more like Jesus. And that is a good thing!
What communities do you get valuable feedback from, get fortified by, and get the opportunity to lead by love in?
The next thing on the list is to:
3.) Take Care of Your Physical Body
Move.
Stop eating junk. Don’t overthink it. You know what junk is.
Don’t eat too much. There is plenty of advice out there. Find the thing that works for you.
Brush your teeth. Take showers. Brush your hair. Use lotion when you need it. Use sunscreen. Use bug spray. Wash your hands.
Don’t be crazy with your body. This means a lot of different things to people. For me, it’s as simple as not wearing high heels… Or not trying to “win” pin class if my heart rate is higher than everyone else’s.
Your body is the only vessel you will get in this lifetime. Treat it with respect.
Next
4.) Run Your Race
Notice the keyword. Run.
We are not here to walk. To meander.
Imagine a child. When they learn to walk, do they saunter? No! They are so fast they are hard to catch by adults with legs 4 times longer!
We are meant to run. Don’t worry non-runners, I do not mean the sweating kind of running. Although some of you are into that, and that’s great! It’s just not for everybody.
What I am talking about is, we are born with a drive to go!
So go! Take whatever work is available to you (that is moral) and do it with your whole heart. If that means scrubbing the dishes at Chick-Fil-A, so be it!
Years ago, I was in Los Angeles, and I walked up to a homeless man and offered him the second half of my sandwich. The guy asked, “Does it have mustard on it?”
It did and he refused to take it.
I thought that was strange and thought nothing more of it until two days ago. I was leaving the church and saw a young couple with two dogs sitting on the front stairs of the church. They were homeless.
I asked the girl where they usually slept and she said they used to have a tent. They had been walking for days looking for their tent.
I thought that was interesting knowing that someone probably picked up up and threw it away. I was amazed at what in my mind was an irrational pursuit of something that would never come to be.
Then she said that the police helped them get into a hotel the other night and complained that it was not a nice hotel.
My mind went back to the homeless man in Los Angeles who would not eat the sandwich because of the mustard.
Where are you not taking an opportunity because you are waiting for it to be perfect?
Where are you receiving blessings and refusing to receive them with gratitude?
Where are you refusing to run?
Take whatever is available to you and do it with your whole heart. Run.
Get out of analysis paralysis. Choose and move! Trust that you can pivot when you need to. Just run!
This builds up your strength and quite honestly, your resume. Your work resume, or your understanding of humanity resume.
The last outward action to stop self-sabotage is to:
5.) Tell the truth
When we talk to ourselves and others, the words we choose matter. When we feel upset, we can use words like, “always” or “never”, or we can make blanket statements that attempt to define a person in a negative light.
Some examples, are “I am so not smart.” “He never empties the dishwasher.” “I always have to be the one to take care of the children.”
When we use words like this, it is a direct attack, either to ourselves or to others.
Take a breath when something does not go your way or when you feel frustrated.
Decide whether words will move you towards happiness or sadness as indicated in step 1, and then choose what specific action you want to highlight for action. What is the specific thing that caused you to feel off course? Acknowledge your feeling by coming from I. And remember, you can make a request from someone, but they have the right to say no. We don’t like no. This is information. You can move forward with that information, or stay where you are.
For example. “I do not know how to do multiplication, but this is something I can learn.”
Example. “I am tired and I am disappointed that I’d asked you to empty the dishwasher and it is not empty. Will you please empty the dishwasher?”
Example. “I love taking care of the children, and I need a break sometimes. Would you be open to supporting me with putting the children to bed tonight?”
These are just a few examples. I know that dealing with people and telling the truth can be a difficult subject to tackle.
How to Deal with Difficult People by Gill Hasson is a fantastic book to help you dance around a myriad of difficult conversations with people.
I hope you got a lot out of this post. Meditating and acting on these things is a daily practice. Give yourselves grace and run the race set before you to run! You’ve got this!
To recap, here are the 5 Ways to Stop Self – Sabotage Part 1: Outward Actions
1.) Be Aware that Words Bring us Towards Happiness or sadness
2.) Surround yourself with a community of people who build you up and hold you accountable
3.) Take Care of Your Physical Body
4.) Run your Race
5.) Tell the Truth
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